Got that promotion I’ve been awaiting at work ☄️! Things are sort of looking up professionally. Yet, I feel so much unprepared to take more things on because it feels like much more is expected of me. Or rather, I’m expecting more from myself. I have only so much time and energy to spend and the past few weeks have left me with no more to spare. I want to make an impact at work, in the software development process, the developer communities, learn, teach, grow, build and share. This seems like so much to do, and above all that to do all of these well and to find joy in the process is something I want so desperately to mark my work. Work — I call it now but it feels like it wants to creep into the other parts of my life and consume with ferocity my inner lives — my relationships, hobbies, down time, simple pleasures.
Am I being asked to sacrifice planning to make a delicious meal and scrape by with instant ramen for dinner that tastes half as bad because I am on the last reserves of the day and cannot muster the energy to remember to add some green onions that would have slightly elevated the whole arrangement? Are my nocturnal dreams fading away because I end up thinking about the small problems at work that may not even improve the bottom line? I am frustrated and feeling defeated when I end up procrastinating on doing headed to the laundromat because it feels like that time could be better spent moving some imaginary needle? I am losing my love for reading, and barely writing even for myself. The days have galloped on and Spring is daring me to bask in its warming earth, to continue with the runs, to blossom. Impossible is what feels like when I let things fall.
Perhaps this is what growth feels like and I don’t like it. I have a multitude of fears and hopes all intertwined in me.
No one prepares us...same boat